The great thinkers of our time advise us on how to avoid walking the road to regret. They feed us their instructions in the code of metaphors: “step on the ladder”, “go to the balcony”, “see it from 50,000 feet”. They offer this counsel as a way to advise us to adjust our point of view so that we make better decisions and choices, usually for the longer run. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
But advice is a funny thing – sometimes it’s given as a gift of pure altruism, others as a ruse to manipulate. But there is one thing we should also remember as we are developing our awareness and restructuring our reticular formations to make effective life of choices and decisions; we should remember the role of regret in our future life. Regret is dogmatic to living a life of satisfaction.
Regret is a stool with two legs. The first leg is the future. We don’t experience regret in the present or the past, we only come to know regret after those moments have passed. Regret is a judgement about the past. Regret is also an inside judgement. It’s a judgement we make of ourselves in our future. The way to adjust our point of view about regret is to remember that the only way we can control the future of regret is to think of it in terms of the choices and decisions we make today.
The second leg of the regret stool goes like this: we don’t regret the things we do as much as we do the things we don’t.
We don’t regret the things we do as much as we do the things we don’t.
Most of us don’t think much about regret. We’re too busy with the business of executing our lives in a sort of lather-rinse-repeat kind of way. We follow the route of our neuropathways, we live in our set systems, and the comfort, customs and mores of the tribe. Only then do we go about actualizing based on what understand to be true about life and the world. We often don’t think of regret until it is already upon us. And yet, the very trick to avoid regret is to think about it before it happens. You’re going to live in the future whether you like it or not. The only real question is if you will regret your past as you live in that future.
Regret is also a math problem. And as it is with any linear regression, quadratic equation, or complex variable derivative, the metric of regret correlates to risk. Risk is a relative thing. The level of risk you take might be too much for her, not enough for him, and yet just right for you. There is no right or wrong level of risk, only your assessment of it, and the permission you give yourself to take an action in front of you (or not).
The assessment of risk also correlates to fear, and fear is an emotion that wins over even the most quantifiable math problem. Fear correlates not only to action but also its antonym – inaction. So the question begs, “what would you do right now if you knew you could not fail?” Should you jump off the cliff with you parachute? Probably not. Quit your job at age 51 to pursue a career in professional basketball? Nope. Take out a 30-year mortgage at age 92? Well, …
What would you do right now if you knew you could not fail?
Regret is a state of being that can’t be avoided in the human condition, but it can be minimized. The key to minimizing regret is to assess the risk and then add 10%. The 10% space isn’t where you feel confident, it’s where you don’t. The 10% is where you stand in the pool of your own muddy thoughts and feelings of uncertainty, self-doubt, and ambiguity. How you navigate your own 10% is the key to looking back on a life of satisfaction vs. one of regret. Don’t fear the 10%. Face it, walk toward it, lean into it.
If this all seems a bit weird, think of it this way: the 10% space is where Captain Kirk made his stand to, “boldly go where no man had gone before”. And the future is the proof that even if you get fat or fired, you can still end up collecting royalties from late night reruns on TV Land.
And for that you can have no regrets.
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2021.06.13
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“If you risk nothing, you risk everything.”
– Geena Davis